Abuse & Couples Counseling
This is NOT a marriage or relationship problem. I repeat...abuse is not a marital issue. This is an individual sin problem rooted in pride. Two individual and different tracks are needed and necessary. One of care, support, and safety for the victim and one of confrontation and accountability for the abuser. Marriage-focused solutions are not going to bring about the changes needed where there is an underlying need for power and control.
Here are Twelve Reasons Why Couple’s Counseling is Not Recommended When Domestic Violence is Present (by Chris Huffine, Psy. D):
- Focusing on the relationship assumes that each person contributes to the abusive
behavior, when in truth the perpetrator is solely responsible for his abusive behavior. - Focusing on issues other than the abusive behavior allows the abusive behavior to
continue. - Danger to the victim may increase due to the counselor’s involvement in the
relationship. Because the batterer’s goal is to maintain control of the relationship, any
interference on the counselor’s part may lead to an increase in his controlling behavior. The
therapist may unwittingly elicit information or initiate interventions that escalate abuse. - A couple's counselor who is focused on the relationship may be hesitant to strongly
confront just one of the individuals, concerned this will be viewed as favoritism. Such
failure to directly confront the abuse contributes to minimization and denial. - Blaming the victim. When abusive behavior is identified, the victim may be asked, “What
was your part in this?” Alternatively, the batterer may use comments and observations of
the couple’s counselor to justify his abusive behavior (e.g., “Remember, he said how your
refusal to answer my questions only makes things worse!”) many victims already tend to
blame themselves; the counselor may unwittingly encourage this. - Out of fear of further abuse, the victim may not be honest about the abuse or other
issues in the couple’s session, giving the false impression that things are better than they
really are. - On the other hand, the victim may have a false sense of security and safety in the
couple’s session. This may lead her to disclose information she normally wouldn’t at
home, believing that the therapist will keep her safe. Once they have left the safety of the
counseling room, he may then retaliate. - In couples counseling, if the therapist focuses extensively on the abuse, the batterer
may feel shamed, scapegoat, and to blame for every problem in the relationship. In a
batterer intervention group, while he is held accountable for his abuse, he is not blamed for
every problem in the relationship. Couples counseling may discourage the level of
disclosure that is possible in a group. - Before other issues in the relationship can be effectively addressed, the abusive
behavior must end. Abusive behavior tends to distract attention away from other issues,
like a smoke screen. This is akin to couples counseling where one or both parties are active
alcoholics: until they are sober, such interventions have little effectiveness. Similarly, until
the abuse has stopped, other interventions have limited effectiveness. - It colludes with the batterer’s denial. It allows him to continue to blame her and/or the
relationship for his abusive behavior. He can then take advantage of the couple’s sessions
to further his agenda of control and power over. - There is usually no assessment for violence in couples counseling. If an assessment is
done with both people present, the potential for honest disclosure will be undermined. - Couples counseling can keep a victim in the abusive relationship longer than she
would otherwise stay in the false hope that the counseling may make things better.
Some forms of couples counseling require couples to make a time commitment (e.g. 3-6
months) of not separating while in the counseling, which may prolong an abusive
relationship
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