Abuse & Repentance

The Bible addresses the issue of godly sorrow verses worldly sorrow and there is a big difference. 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 lays it out well. It says, 


"For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter."


Godly sorrow:

  1. results in evidential and observable godly action that is consistent and maintained over time. 
  2. It's focused on God and well-being of others is first priority.
  3. hates the sin itself and accepts the consequences of the sin.
  4. fully accepts responsibility.
  5. seeks accountability.
  6. is patient.
  7. focuses upon their own sin.
  8. submits to the disciplinary process.
  9. has a changed heart.
  10. bears fruit.  

Worldly sorrow:

  1. is the sorrow of self-pity/getting caught.  
  2. It's self-focused/self-protective.
  3. doesn’t primarily hate the sin but hates the consequences of sin.
  4. blame-shifting.
  5. resents accountability.
  6. impatient – demanding to be trusted and restored immediately.
  7. focuses on the sins of others.
  8. criticizes the disciplinary process.
  9. unchanged (hard) heart.
  10. no fruit.

A fruit tree doesn't grow and produce nurturing fruit in a day. It takes time to grow, mature, and eventually will provide nurturing fruit. The same is true in the aftermath of genuine repentance. You may see some immediate signs of change, but you don’t take a single moment of repentance to move back into a close, trusting relationship. Boundaries must be in place until there has been evidential repentance seen through consistent action steps taken over time. A changed heart takes time to develop and take fruition. 


Here are some things to consider when it comes to repentance lived out in practical ways.

  1. Transformation takes time. So be leery of attitudes or statements that indicate they have seen the error of their ways and have changed overnight. 
  2. Provides a thorough confession of their sin and this might be ongoing as he gains further clarity and understanding of his destructive behaviors.
  3. Listen for words that indicate full ownership of their sinful behaviors without any justifying, making excuses, minimizing, or blame-shifting language.  
  4. Accountability is key! There should be a willingness to have accountability with numerous people: Counselor, pastor, support group, friend, etc...
  5. In regard to a counselor, there should be a willingness to meet long-term with a mutually agreed upon counselor who is certified in domestic abuse perpetrator counseling and to do the work it will entail.
  6. Additionally, a willingness to sign a "release of information" form that allows for cross-communication between his counselor and her counselor, his pastor, and anyone else who is strongly involved in the restoration process. (A team approach is absolutely needed thus the reason for cross-communication. It holds the abuser to a greater level of accountability)
  7. They exemplify care and understanding towards your healing process and support you, including the financial support needed, to get whatever help you need (counseling, trauma care/EMDR, self-care activities). 
  8. They do not make you feel bad for bringing up past events as you seek to work through your emotional damage/injuries. They are willing to listen to you, express grief, empathy, and compassion, and validate your feelings. They express sorrow over the harm caused to you and others, and in specific ways. (A red flag would be a statement like, “I told you I was sorry why are you bringing that up again. That’s in the past. You need to forgive me and stop bringing it up.")
  9. They will demonstrate patience, work to rebuild trust, and seek to make amends for the damage done-no matter how long it takes. They will not rush you or guilt-trip you to ease up on boundaries or come back from a physical separation before you are ready. There should not be any pressuring you because they want everything back to normal, insisting they should be forgiven and restored now, or that an apology should be enough.  
  10. Actively pursues the fruits of the spirit and seeks to live in a new way, even when frustrated, inconvenienced, and angry.

Repentance isn’t just about putting off certain old behaviors but also about putting on new behaviors. I have counseled with women who acknowledge their husband has stopped certain harmful behaviors but there isn't any effort to add on new and healthy behaviors. This makes restoration of the relationship very challenging.


Ephesians 4:22-24 says, "That you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.”


It's also important to understand what forgiveness is and is not:


Forgiveness is NOT: 1) Excusing, condoning, minimizing, or tolerating wickedness or any offense that is abusive or hurtful, 2) Forgetting (“forgive and forget” IS not found in the Bible), 3) Reconciliation or restored trust- Trust, is solely based on tangible evidence of change, repentance and transformation, 4) A pain eraser - it is possible to forgive while still wrestling with lingering pain and various emotions, 5) Conditioned upon remorse or an apology, 6) Weakness. A lot of strength is required to acknowledge pain, declare it, & forgive it.


Forgiveness IS: 1) One sided. You can forgive whether or not someone asks for forgiveness. 2) Putting the consequences of another’s sin in the hands of God and entrusting the outcome to Him, that He will deal with the person justly and fairly, something you simply cannot do. 3) Releasing bitterness/resentment: You do not heal in order to forgive; you forgive in order to heal. 4) An act of faith, a supernatural response empowered by God’s grace. 5) A decision, between you & God, to embrace mercy & grace. God wants you to be free & there is no other way. 6) Sometimes a repetitive process - sorting through those emotions/thoughts/feelings as they come.


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